S is for many things....

S is for many things.

Today I will be talking about something that I've kept in a locked box in my head and heart. I didn't even realize I was keeping it there until it came up at a Griefshare meeting.
S right now stands for many things.

S is for Suicide.

S is for Shame.

S is for Sorrow.

S is for Surrender.

S is for Solo.

S is for Suffering.

S stands for many things.

Today it's all of those especially the first. During a GriefShare meeting, a question was asked "why do those who have suffered from a loved one's suicide feel shame?"

Since the GriefShare counselors didn't know that anyone in the room had suffered from one, they had someone else explain that. However, while the person talked about it, God tugged on my heart and said "You know the answer, it's time to share".

When God tugs on my heart, it's usually not an easy thing. If it was I wouldn't need a tug.  So while the person was talking, I was having my inner battle of should I?  After the person finished. I quickly raised my hand before I regained my sanity.

One of my cousin's committed suicide. It happened almost two years ago. I'm not going to go in to many personal details on this, as this is not my story to share.  He hung himself after a long battle. Yes, there were some signs but when someone makes that decision, it's not something you can always prevent.

The reason I'm even bringing this up, is to give attention to the subject of the people left behind.   If the death of a loved one is not something we rarely want to talk about, a suicide death is one that brings a whole different set of emotions.

There is a lot of shame from a suicide. Why? Because other's needless to say are not as compassionate to a "death by choice".  Depending on details of the event, sensitivity to the person left behind is measured out.  Dealing with my cousin's I heard many things like "It was just a matter of time". There is shame because if you hold a certain faith, other's seem to look down on you. I've heard many people say that a person who commits suicide is going to hell.  It makes you wonder about where is this person spending their eternity.  Also, you fear the reactions of others. You don't want others to judge them. You spend more time hiding it, than dealing with it. You keep details to yourself as you are ashamed.  It makes you think about your relationship with the person. You question each action you made. You put yourself on trial.  What if's will plague your mind.  You feel like you have been cheated because they did this to themselves.   Your struggling with grief and maybe an immense feeling of anger. Angry at them for taking their lives. How do you forgive them, when you can't speak to them?

I believe that when someone does this, they feel this is the only way to end their suffering. People who commit suicide have been dealing with inner demons plaguing their minds and heart.  I have been told by other's that these are people who's minds have so much suffering that it is similar  if not someone dealing with a mental disease.   I've also learned that if the person is "saved" then they are not going to hell.  I myself believe that God ultimately makes the decision. I believe everyone has a chance and definitely more than one.

The reason I wanted to talk about this is because it's not something talked about.  I hope that sharing some of this with you, will allow you to be a blessing to someone else who may be dealing with this currently or in the future.   Someone's death is not something you should open for an opinionated discussion. Nor should you be the one condemning those who have gone nor those left behind.  Please be immensely sensitive or empathetic to these people. If you don't know what to say, it's ok. Sometimes silence is necessary but your physical presence means more than you will ever know.