Hope you holidays were great. Mine were OK surprisingly.
I've moved away from my hometown recently. It was nice to see family and friends again. The day that I left I finally got to see some of my own family. That's when it hit to close to home again. Where I wasn't able to hold a brave face. Where my guard was taken down immediately. Where the tears were shed. I didn't have a complete breakdown thankfully just a short tear jerk moment but I was very happy for it.
The last time I went to my aunt and uncle's house, I went with my grandmother.
That was about a year ago. Coming up this January is the anniversary of her being diagnosed with cancer. Last year was my last Thanksgiving with her. So much happened last year that made it so difficult to spend a true holiday with her.
My son was born last year and it was also the first year I was able to have another holiday in a very long time spent with my grandmother. War of the grandchild was definitely in effect last year so I only ended up spending two hours and I remember you could see the disappointment in my face. I've never been good at hiding my emotions if their rooted too deep. As you can see I still have a bit of anger there. Jesus is helping with that but I want this blog to be honest. However vivid that may make it or raw or politically wrong. Some people won't understand but these were my feelings so only I can truly ever understand them alongside God. Oh if I had a way to go back, what I would do. But of course those are only wishes. I only look in regret shortly as I know everything is all on God's timing. The things you regret are the ones that have hopefully taught you better.
Anyways it also reminded me of my last Thanksgiving with my aunt as that's exactly where I spent it. At her son's house on an off Thanksgiving day. :)
It was the last time I gave her a hug. The last time I was hugged by her. The last time I heard her really speak like her. The last time I saw her so alive.
Two days before I made pasteles with her in her apartment. That was an awesome experience because one although I don't personally eat them, I always wondered how to make them. I saw her interact with her friends, and saw her joyfully watch Wheel of Fortune and make some "money" while watching it.
It was the first time really that I could honestly say I really did take everything about her in. Weirdly I've known her all my life. However, sometimes you forget to really soak in who that person is. I'm so happy and grateful to have these good memories of her to remember. She really was an amazing little woman. And I do mean little in size as well. But BIG AND GREAT things come in small packages.
My aunt really was a very giving woman. A very religious woman but extremely thankful and would make friends with anyone instantly. She was a hard woman to love at times because she was very vocal and opinionated. She could be a bit of a hot head but hey the best ones in my book have always been passionate.
Anyways that's just a glimpse of my holiday's so far. I wasn't really sure if in the beginning of this blog I would share my life but I guess it's a bit therapeutic for me as well. I'm very glad I'm back in my own home. This new place has been my zen.
No comments:
Post a Comment