There are things we say to others that we believe will provide comfort for those who are going through a loss. They mean well but sometimes silence is more than golden. Sometimes you rather the person just be there to wipe your tears, hold your hand or surround their arms around you. Words aren't always necessary.
One of the common things we tend to say is to be strong.
When my world has fallen apart, telling me to be strong does not help me. Does not provide me any comfort whatsoever. If anything is makes me angry and causes me to feel further isolated in my grief. When you say this to me, I feel like your telling me that my crying or pain is a sign of weakness. I feel like you are shaming me into silence.
There is no strength in grief. My tears are not weakness. My pain is not weakness. Everything that I feel is a sign that I loved someone and how much that person meant to me. I cannot replace this person or forget that they existed.
When your going through grief especially the first days, it is not the time to be brave or strong. It's OK to be human and show your love for that person. Jesus' grief is instructive. He wept while he was on earth. If there were no love, there would be no grief. Grief is the recognition that you have lost someone you love and is the price you pay for loving that person.
Society has the perception that we have to "get over" a loss no matter how massive a loss it is. The problem with this is that you cannot get over a loss. You have to get through it to actually heal from it. Don't be afraid to honestly express you emotions. This is the time you should. Our culture may seem to ban these emotions and do not prepare us in how to deal with them. There is no how to grieve. There is no real right way of doing it except allowing yourself to feel it whether it be an ounce at a time or a gallon.
You may be surprised how long it lasts. I've learned the longer you "avoid" it, the more longer it takes to heal from it. Don't misinterpret me, I still cry over my first experience with loss and it has been 7 years. You can't avoid the sadness of losing someone. Their absence can be felt great at different times regardless of how much time has passed. Grief is an unwanted house guest that does not follow rules and does not attribute anything "good" to the household.
Every grief is unique and can be a maddening experience. However, one day the sun will come out again and one day you will be able to smile or laugh once more.
May God continue to provide you with guidance and serenity during this time.
God bless you all and everyone you encounter!
<3 Cherie
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